Shore Throat News: Area houses of Worship

The Unified Diversity In Ecumenical Services (U.N.D.I.E.S.) is a local organization representing the cooperative activities between all three of Canker Shores Churches:

ONE WAT BAPTIST CHURCH
Stoically serving the town of Canker Shores since 1892.
(It is the opinion of this writer that One Way is the appropriate name for this body of believers, as they continue to hold service and activities in the same way as they have for the last 112 years, since the church's humble beginnings in the living room of Elder Simon Bledsoe. To the casual attendee, it would appear that the church's unspoken creed is, "We've never done it that way before, so why change now?")

OUR LADY OF ABSOLUTE ABSOLUTION
Boasting a 24 hour confessional open 12 - 2pm daily, Mon-Fri.
On a seperate note:
The Boy Scout Troop, which formerly met at the Catholic Church, is now meeting in the Recreation Therapy Hall adjacent to the Healing Hearts counseling center.

TON-O-TONGUES PENTECOSTAL CHURCH
Note: To the pranksters who re-arranged the letters in last weeks "Bar-B-Q Potluck" sign to read "Pre-K Boat Club," stop it. You caused an unnecessary amount of confusion for the
MOPS group. You, who know who you are, should be aware that we (the TRULY spirit filled)
are going to pray for Conviction of Sin, and your subsequent Chatisement.

U.N.D.I.E.S will meet on Tuesday nights, in the Bingo room at Our Lady of Absolute Absolution, beginning Oct 4th, at 7:00pm to discuss the upcoming Fall Harvest Festival, Turkey Gobbler-ama Auction, and the annual Nativity scene site.

Shore Throat News: Area Newsboy Banned from Multi-Plex Theater

Jim "Zimmy" Zimmerman, reporter

A local newsboy was banned from the Canker Shores Multi-Plex during last nights premiere showing of Steven Spielberg's, JAWS.  The movie was brought to a sudden halt at the request of facility manager Lester Carbuncle. It seems that Multi-Plex ushers spotted local newspaper boy, Mordie Shankel, consuming food that was clearly smuggled into the Multi-Plex.

"The Multi-Plex's policy is quite clear on this", said Mr. Carbuncle.
"The only food items allowed here,
are those purchased at the snackbar", he went on to say.

When we asked the manager of the single screen facility why the movie was halted, He responded: "Well, after we finally got Mr. Shankel to leave the theater it took some time to extinguish the charcoal in the Hibachi, and then we had to open all the doors to clear out the smoke."

Mr. Shankel is now banned from the Multi-Plex for one year.

Mr. Carbuncle did inform us:
"Next week the Multi-Plex will be premiering a film by George Lucas called, *Star Wars*. And, we invite everyone to come and check it out!"

(Editors note: this article was lost for a number of years, 2005 to be exact. It was written by our own Jim "Zimmy" Zimmerman, aka James Carpenter, who passed away in 2006. Due to it's antiquated news-worthiness and mostly its sentimental value, it is being published in remembrance.)

Shore Throat News: Citizen Spotlight

 Citizen Spotlight: Amanda Pine

Amanda Pine is a relative newcomer to Canker Shores, and currently resides in an apt overlooking South Bay, with her two cats, Ramone and Elbow.
When Amanda is not busy painting abstracts in her apt, she can be found over at Scabby's bakery where she works part time as a counter clerk.
In the 5 short years that Amanda has been in Canker Shores, she has been the undefeated winner of the Mordicia Shankelmaier Klutsy Citizen Award annually.
Originally from the Mid West, Amanda finds the lifestyle in Canker Shores is not so different from that of the small prairie town she hails from.
"Well the smells are different," she says. "Back home, there might be dust in the air, or in the summer you can smell the hay when everybody's cutting and baling. Living where I do now, I can smell the fish processing plant and sometimes the ocean, but mostly the processing plant. Still, every place has it's own smell, and at least here it doesn't smell like Mr. Avidssons Dairy. I like it here. And so do my cats."

When asked about rumours regarding her not-so-secret admirer, Mordie Shankel, she blushed and responded, "Who?"

Shore Throat News: Editor Observation

Editor Observation: Mordie Gets Walkie-Talkies

Mordie always wanted a set of his own real walkie talkies, ever since he was a child.
Last Tuesday, Mordie was delivering the stacks of bulk newspapers to the businesses in the downtown area, when he saw that the Radio Shack was having a 75% off sale of discontinued items. He paused to pick through the items in the bin, turnd over one oddly shaped package to discover a picture of a walkie talke on the front. He took it in and asked Rod if he would hold it until tomorrow for him. Mordie went back the next day and payed for his merchandise. Mordie went down the block, turned right on Cannery street and proceeded to gleefully tear open the package, discarding the remnants in a nearby garbage can. He clicked on the knob and listend to the sweet readiness of static in his ear. He grabbed the front of his paper cart with one hand and with the other he held the walkie talkie to his ear, listening for another voice.

In his exitement, Mordie made two important mistakes.
The first is that he neglected to examine the packaging further. Had he done so, he would have seen a second walkie talkie unit nestled in its styrofoam cradle beneath the instruction booklet.

The second mistake was that the receptacle he carelessly chose to discard the presumed trash in was the Missionary Barrel out back of the One Way Baptist Church.

Shore Throat News: Dockside Clash Soils Mascot

A disturbance was reported at one of the fish processing plants in the South Bay area of Canker Shores this week.  Apparently a clash between protesters from the Save the Coelaacanth Foundation and plant workers broke out, resulting in damage to the Foundation's mascot, "Celia-the Coelaacanth".  Group founder, Celia Canthon was engaged in the deployment of the mascot in front of the Pier 3 processing facility, passing out educational literature and "challenging" dock workers to go on strike in order to force the plants to return to processing less endangered species of fish.  Ms. Canthon  positioned her ample mascot at the entrance to the plant, effectively barring the way for employees to enter.  Eye witnesses report that she was vocipherously demanding that the employees go back home or pick up a sign and join her, and she was wedged firmly in the entrance.  Witnesses also commented that, after some hastily uttered remarks and resulting cat-calls, three workers came forward to  lift Ms. Canthoon up and set her down beside the entrance.  Ms. Canthon lost her footing and slipped into the frigid October water of South Bay, which is where the processing plant releases it's waste by-products.  Ms. Canthon was pulled from the gurry laden waters unharmed, but it appears that the Save the Coelaacanth Foundation's mascot has received a burial at sea. 

Shore Throat News: Citizen Spotlgiht

 Citizen Spotlight: Mordie Shankel

Mordie is our town paperboy and has been for 23 years.  As an 8 year old entrepreneur, Mordie took it upon himself to organize and carry out the town paper route, using a shopping cart which he rented form the local IGA for 10 cents a week.  He is still diligently pursuing this career at the age of 31, and he now owns his shoppingcart outright.  Mordie also operates the town's only snow blower service.  Each year he runs an ad all winter long for his snow removal service. Whil Canker Shores is not given to frequent (or any) snow storms, Mordie believes it's always best to be prepared.  Mordie resides with his mother, Alma Shankel.

Shore Throat News: Digest Edition

 Shore Throat News June 7th

TODAYS WEATHER

The weather in Canker Shores was a chilly 58 degrees with light winds out of the southwest.

BUSINESS NEWS

Unemployment numbers are down in Canker Shores, due largely to the sudden rise in demand for rare Coelaacanth fish which was recently discovered in large numbers feeding just a 1/4 mile off shore from the tiny tourist town.  The ancient Coelaacanth was previously thought to be extinct.  The demand for canned, and fresh Coelaacanth has given new life to the clumping local economy and processing plants have been hiring at an increasing rate since early in the second quarter.  This has been both a blessing and a curse to the town.  The prevailing winds are generally out of the southwest and the recent increase in processing activities and subsequent waste by-products, have brought a new pungency to the normally refreshing sea breezes floating into town.  If the current demand for Coelaacanth continues forecasters predict a poor year for local tourism.

AROUND THE TOWN

National  Holiday Observed:

I have been in formed by Marv and Willa "Scabby" Gillespie, owners of  "Scabby's Bakery," that June 7th was National Donut Day.  In honour of the holiday, Scabby's Bakery gave away free apple cinnamon donuts between 10am and noon.

SHOCKING CRIME SPREE HITS TOWN

In other local  news, a crime spree hit the tiny town of Canker Shores on June 7th between the hours of 10am and noon.  Numerous businesses reported shoplifting, attempted robberies and vandalism throughout the town.  Deputy Dave Hoofner had little too say other than "yeah, we'll check it out."

the extent of losses to local businesses has not yet been determined.

Canker Shores Mourns Death of The Pope

 The town of Canker Shores is mourning the death of Pope John Paul II at Our Lady of Absolute Absolution Catholic Church.  The pealing of the bells was set to commence at noon.  The crowd of worshippers filling the church grew so large, they spilled out into the adjacent parking lot.  Fr. Dupuis was unable to get the electrical system which activates the bells to function properly, due to damage received during a storm last September.  Fr. Dupuis opted instead to climb into his Chevy Impala and blow the horn 4 times, while the congregation prayed.  The battery in his Impala began to wear down after a while, sounding weaker as it went.  He decided to cut the service short at about 78 honks, secretly hoping that nobody was counting.